In this great big world, there are
people who manage to be loved and wanted by just about everyone they know.
Alas, not everybody can be as fortunate as this, and those who are not can get
by just as well with being loved and wanted by a select and special few. It
takes a truly poor, unlucky soul to be made to manage in this world with nobody
at all to love and want them. I understand very well that though it is
thankfully rare, these kinds of unfortunate souls do exist. I was one of them.
Even
the toymaker’s apprentice knew that I would not be wanted. I was made as part
of a regiment of fifteen tall tin soldiers, all the same: clean uniforms of
stony grey, cedar colored hair trimmed to our ears, rounded caps, rifles at our
sides. The only differences were the number and order of medals pinned to our
lapels…and me, Avaline, the only woman in an army of fourteen men. “This one’s
a lady,” the toymaker’s apprentice said incredulously.
“Yes,
she is,” said the toymaker.
“Well,
these are soldiers,” said the apprentice, “soldiers for a war. There are no
ladies in war.”
“Well,
now there is one,” insisted the toymaker, “and her name is Avaline.”
But
the apprentice shook his head. “The boy won’t want her. He’ll only want the
men, and then you’ll have wasted all of that tin to make her. What will you do
with her then?”
“We’ll
see what he wants,” said the toymaker, and he patted my shoulder the way that a
father would. He did not see that I was holding back tears.
“The
boy” was the toymaker’s son. It was his birthday, and we were meant to be his
very best gift. We were polished until our tin gleamed like silver in the
light, and then we were instructed to march into the boy’s bedroom, where he
sat surrounded by all of the other toys he had received. When he saw us
marching in, a smile lit up his rosy face, and I was so delighted that I forget
about what the apprentice had said. I wanted to smile back, but I could not
while I was on duty. The boy looked over our stony faces, our clean uniforms,
the imposing rifles at our sides. “These are yours, Walter!” the toymaker said
cheerily. “Do you like them?’
“I
like all of them except for the girl,” the boy said. I nearly dropped my rifle
and fell to my knees! I thought I felt my tin heart sink straight down into my
stomach! I wondered if the men on all sides of me could feel that I was
trembling. The toymaker hid the disappointment in his voice. “Really? You don’t
want Avaline?”
“No,
just the men,” said Walter.
“Are
you sure you don’t want her?” the toymaker appealed. “She’s a major, you know.”
“I’m
sure,” insisted Walter. “I don’t want a girl major. So can I have the men?”
Don’t you cry, Avaline, I ordered
myself. You are a major in a respectable
army, not a weeping maiden. “All right, Walter,” said the toymaker with a
sigh. “You can have the men. I’ll keep Avaline. Come back here, Avaline.” I
didn’t want to move. To leave my post was to go against everything, but it was
an order from my superior. I took my place at the toymaker’s side, keeping my
head held high though it felt too heavy to do so. I remained stone-faced as
Walter led my men away, and they followed him dutifully without giving me even
a glance. The toymaker took me by the hand. “I’m awfully sorry, Avaline,” he
said. “I’m afraid that’s just the way that little boys are. But I won’t be
getting rid of you. I’m far too proud of you for that.” He gave my hand a
squeeze and led me back to his workshop. I was off duty now, and it was all
right to show my tears.
I
could have stayed with the toymaker forever. He treated me like a daughter, and
whenever I could I helped him around the workshop to repay his kindness. He
never made me feel as though I was not wanted, but at the same time he was
unable to make me feel as though I was. As much as he treated me like a part of
his family, I knew that I was really an outsider who didn’t belong anywhere. My
former army fought all of their battles without me and seemed to have forgotten
that I ever was a part of them. Walter had assigned a new man to take my place
as a major; the only indicators that I ever was a soldier were my uniform, my
military-issue rifle, and the medals pinned to my lapel. I did not feel like
myself anymore, and I had never gotten a chance to feel as though I truly
belonged. So that is why I decided to set out and find a place where I did
belong, provided that such a place existed. Late one evening, long after
everybody—the toymaker, his wife and son, his apprentice, and all of the other
toys—had retired to bed, I took a piece of paper and a pen from the toymaker’s
desk. I wrote:
Went out
into the world, as it is a soldier’s duty. Don’t worry about me, for I will be
all right. Thank you for everything. Avaline
I
quietly crept into the toymaker’s bedroom, where he slept peacefully beside his
pretty wife, who belonged to him and him to her. I set the note down on his
bedside table, and I just had to look at him for a few moments before I could
truly decide if I was willing to leave the man who had granted me life and
treated me so kindly. I did not want to lose the memory of his face—his bushy,
dark beard and his warm, lively eyes, his frizzy dark hair, his good-natured
smile. He had treated me with love that I knew the world may never show me. But
what good was love, I thought, if I did not truly belong? I kissed both of his
cheeks and departed from the room. With only my rifle, my medals, and the
uniform that bore the name I did not wish to forget, I stepped out into the
great big world.
I
longed to find anybody that I could belong to, but I never dreamed that I could
ever belong to somebody like Annabel. Who could have ever imagined that an old
wayward tin soldier could be loved by a woman with all of the beauty and
regality of a princess? In the morning, I look out the window and see her
reaching out to the sun in greeting, illuminated like a wild divinity of the
forest. She clasps her hands and twirls on her toes, flaring out her golden
hair and her silken gown. Her eyes catch me smiling at her, and she smiles
back. She rushes to the window and kisses my lips, and I know in my heart that
this is love. Something I had never gotten a chance to experience seems so real
and so effortless with her, and it’s astounding just how real a feeling that
I’ve never felt before can be. I know that I could never love anyone as I love
Annabel.
Annabel
had also been cast aside by a child who did not want her. The little girl had
requested a lovely china doll to be her friend; one with sea-green eyes, rosy
cheeks, long black hair, and a beautiful castle and garden for the two of them
to play in. Well, the dollmaker worked long and hard for many days and many
nights, but on the very last day of work she realized that she had no black
hair and no time to find any. She had hoped that the little girl would be happy
with long golden locks, but it was not to be. The little girl took one look at
Annabel and burst into angry tears, and her mother cursed and berated the poor dollmaker
for being unable to give her daughter what she had asked for. So Annabel was
left all alone in her lofty castle, with nobody at all to make her feel loved
and wanted.
I
loved Annabel the very moment I caught sight of her leaning her pretty golden head
out of one of the castle windows. But I wouldn’t have dared to speak to her. I
was an outcast tin soldier, wandering like a vagrant with no real purpose, and
she was on par with a princess. Surely, I was unworthy to even look her in the eye,
much less actually speak to her and ask if she would have me! I was frozen to
the spot, so overwhelmed by her beauty that I did not notice the first drop of
the first rain since my departure. By
the time I came out of my spell, it was too late to search for any sort of
decent shelter. I felt the cold water seeping into my joints. It slowed me
down, forcing me into a limp and then a pitiful crawl. Finally, brought down to
my hands and knees, I managed to drag myself under an old willow tree—the
closest thing to a shelter that I could possibly make it to at the moment. Of
course, it wasn’t enough. Every part of me was all locked up, and the rain
continued to pour upon me on all sides. Cold drops slipped off of the willow
leaves and seeped into my shoulders, my head, and my neck. I was done.
As
a rule, Annabel and I don’t like children. How can we? Our experiences with
them showed us that they are horrid, spoiled brats who only ever think of
themselves. But every rule has its exceptions; my life would have ended that
day, had it not been for two children. Their names were Laura and Hana, and
though they were both older than ungracious little Walter, I did not trust
them. It was Laura, the younger one, who found me all locked up beneath the
willow tree. She was a pleasant-looking child with a pretty face, but I still expected
her to laugh or kick me or throw rocks. I did not expect her to free me from my
rusted prison.
Laura
and Hana’s kindnesses reminded me of the toymaker. Together, the two of them
guided me until my body remembered how to move. Their careful, gentle attentions
brought warmth and health back to me, and I began to feel like a soldier again,
not an unfortunate pile of rusted tin. The two of them were good company, and
it wasn’t very long before I considered them my friends—the only friends I had
ever had since the toymaker. I forgot that they were children, and I forgot
that children were not to be trusted.
And so I
confided to my friends that I was in love with a beautiful china doll that
lived the life of a princess, in a world so far from and so above my own. I
confided to them that I could never love another as much as I loved her, and
that she was the only reason I even understood that a thing called love
existed. But I concluded by clarifying that there was no way that a beauty like
her would ever love an old outcast tin soldier, and by the time I had finished,
the assertion of this reality had driven me to very undignified tears.
Toys are
not able to speak to children in the way that children are able to speak to
eachother. So when Laura and Hana understood my plight, even in the very
limited ability I had to get it across to them, I knew that they were my
friends for sure. And in that moment, anything at all seemed to be possible, if
it was possible that someone like me could have true friends.
Thanks
to those two girls, Annabel and I learned so much more than just how to love
eachother. We learned that there are friends for us. We learned that the world
is not necessarily as cruel as it seems. Above all, we learned that we were not
meant to live in this world without the love of another. I realize now that
even those poor souls out there, still wandering the world with nobody to love
and want them, must have somebody out there who will someday learn to do just
that. They may not know it yet, but it is there.
This
world is a good one, filled with so many wonderful things. I think about my old
squad mates and I pity them; their life is a war, and battle is all that they
will ever know for the longest time. By now, the only indicators of my past as
a major are the markers on my uniform and the medals on my lapel. My squad
mates, who have forgotten that I ever existed, will only know the brutality of
fighting in pointless war after pointless war, led by a childish little tyrant.
But I know what it is to be more than a soldier. I know what it is to be a
knight to a beautiful princess, and I know what it is to love. If you ask me,
this is far more valuable than medals or titles could ever be.
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